Everyone is still asleep in this house – even the dog. It is rare that I get silence and stillness. It is really quite wonderful. It comes to mind that a dear friend once said that “one hour of silence in a clean house” would be a great gift! Well the house isn’t clean, but I don’t think I could possibly enjoy this more if it were. I’ve got coffee, too, so the aroma, warmth and taste of that has added much to the moment.
I’m sure it won’t be long before the house awakens, and I’ll be glad when it does, but until then, I shall savor.
For some reason, I woke up mindful of how big my children are getting. Thirteen and nine. When did this happen? Sure, I have countless memories of them at all the ages up until now, but, it doesn’t seem as if they fill up that many years. I look at my son, my firstborn, and I see a handsome young man in front of me and have flashes of an adorable toddler when he giggles and his voice is less deep and his eyes shine. He is so smart and sometimes so thoughtful that I fear for his future inevitable heartbreaks. He will certainly be a good husband and father some day. He has always had a way with little ones. I can’t remember how many times that he has turned a child’s tears into laughter with his antics and approachable personality. Not just little sister and cousins, either – I’m talking about strangers’ children – at parks, grocery stores – you name it. I’ve even had mothers thank me, or him, for turning a toddler’s mood!
My daughter is just blossoming, too, into her own person. She is much more like my husband than like me, but there are some things, too, that are all her own. She is such an individual. She has complete confidence in herself, and it is evident daily in her fashion sense. Since she could dress herself she has chosen unique combinations and unconventional outfilts to adorn herself with, and I have photo evidence of artistic hairstyles she invented as she learned to fix her own hair! She draws “fashions” all the time, has named her clothing line, and keeps all her work together in a portfolio that we made together (and had to get Mamaw to help finish because we moved beyond my sewing skills). She is beautiful.
I think if I’m honest this whole blog thing, and many other new things I’m doing lately (the past year or so) has been to find myself again when I began realizing that even though it seemed like it would never happen when I was nursing and changing diapers, they are growing up. They don’t need me in the same ways anymore, which actually leaves me with time on my mind (you notice I didn’t say hands – there’s plenty to do…) that I don’t know what to do with. It’s not enough to keep the house clean, laundry and dishes done, yard neat, educate them, and all that comes with that. There are still those times when they are doing their own thing and I am left. Of course, like I said before, there’s plenty to do in the way of work – but I am more than that. I just don’t know what more. I married young and had children young, and I wouldn’t change a thing (really), but I am still young, and I wan’t to have a life left for me when they are gone. I’ve heard about the empty nest thing – and yes, I don’t need anyone to point out that at 13 and 9 my kids are not on the verge of leaving the nest or anything near that. But I have experienced a significant change in their mothering needs, and as it is the way God intended, I let go in areas that I should, when I should, like when you stop wiping their bottoms and washing their hair for them….the ways are just subtler as they get beyond that, and you have to pay attention and see them. If they can do something for themselves, I believe I shouldn’t do it for them. Now I’m not talking about getting silly – like not being courteous to one another. We adults do things for one another all the time, but we recognize that it is out of kindness rather than necessity, and my children recognize that too, as they should, and they do those same things for me at times, as an equal in ability, out of kindness. (Like making a drink, or carrying something without being asked – simple kindnesses)
Anyway, I have been discovering again the parts of me that had to take a backseat to the mommy role when that’s the only role I had time for. I never relinquished the wife role – I have a keeper and we have always made time for us – but that is another converstation 🙂 But you know what I mean….hobbies you set aside and such. Like I mentioned earlier, I married young (18) and had children young (21), so there were plenty of things that I didn’t know about myself when I started focusing on my family, that I now have time to unearth. I’ve tried so many new things over the last couple of years, and it has been fun. I’ve also found that I can do things that as a child, I thought I couldn’t do – like draw, and run. And it’s fun!!!! I’ve always been a perfectionist, too, and I think that kept me from trying things, because I wouldn’t start it if I wasn’t pretty sure of success. But I have outgrown that, and that’s fun, too.
Well, my train of thought has been interrupted by the sound of running water – so someone is up! Enjoy the day. I certainly will! My honey is home today, and we have a glorious day of absolutely no concrete plans – a jewel in the calendar!