Good Beginnings

21 08 2007

I have learned about myself that I am really good at starting things.  I don’t have much bragging to do about my record for finishing things, though.  I’m one of those people who likes to get something up and running, and then I like to leave it and start something else.  I suppose that’s good for something, but knowing that about myself makes me anxious about starting things, because even though I hate to see “unfinished” things, I don’t always want to be the finisher.  This fact bothered me for years, and lowered my confidence in myself, until I finally accepted that God made me this way.   It’s certainly not that I can’t or won’t finish things, just that I enjoy the start-up phase much, much more.  I have learned to be careful what I start, though, which has improved my record for finishing things.  I only start things that I am sure I’ll want to see through, which means that it takes me a while to make a decision, giving those who know me well something to tease me about.  “Have you analyzed every aspect of this – are you sure?” my honey will say with a smile.  Even though I may be sure, and tell him so with a great show of confidence, it still makes me nervous.  The beginning of the school year makes me nervous, the beginning of the Girl Scout year, now that I’ve taken that up, and sometimes even the beginning of the day or week – Can you pull this off?  I question myself.  My honey pointed out last night that though he has seen me quit many things that I start for myself, he has never seen me quit something I start for someone else.  An interesting observation.  Comforting, too.  And after having given it some thought, it turns out that he is right.  I suppose that’s a good thing.  For all my rambling, I don’t think I have a point.  Just reflecting.

Since my brain sometimes switches gears quickly, you’ll have to learn to keep up with it. 

My honey and I have 2 beautiful, wonderful children, but it didn’t take much discussion to come to the unanimous decision that we wouldn’t plan any more (we’ve always been a bit apprehensive about what God may have planned – and yes, I know that reveals a lack of faith in that area, but we all have our shortcomings).  Pregnancy, although emotionally and spiritually a wonderful experience for me, was never ideal.  Problems began very early with pregnancy #1 and resulted in bed rest from the middle of the second trimester to the end, with 2 short “trial” reliefs from that which never lasted more than a week, and a lot of weight gain and general stress.  Pregnancy #2 ended at 16 weeks, taking part of my heart with it.  Pregnancy #3, although healthy, was an exercise in utter fear of additional loss for us, and we agreed that adding children to this family would be done through adoption from then on, if at all.  We’ve considered it a couple of different times over the years, but would end up dropping the subject when we couldn’t come into a place of complete committment to it.  Our kids are 9 and 13, and the subject is on the table again.  We do want more children, and we want to bless our children with more siblings; we just want to be sure.  I do think the whole thing may be more serious this time, though, because we have discussed it with the kids this time.  We’re not sure, yet, of course, but it has been an experience just talking about it together, and thinking together on what all this would entail as far as changing our lives.  A lot. 

Some friends who are more mature than us, not only in age, but in the ways that are important, once told us that 3rd children were “very good for couples”.  Since we only have two, we still aren’t sure what they meant.  Our pastor also talked once about some families he knew who had adopted, and referred to their experience as something that “messed up their little worlds in a really, really good way”.  I do think I know what he meant. 

I guess I’m not only feeling reflecive, but philosophical, as well 🙂  It’s good to stop and see where you are sometimes.  Stop and look at yourself.  It’s good for you.



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