I suppose I must consider it growth that I started a blog and did not allow myself to feel burdened by obligation to post regularly. Although these things are always self-imposed, it is strangely difficult to release myself from them once I start something. Hobbies become chores, because I apply some sort of weird notion of responsibility toward them rendering them less enjoyable. I don’t wish to delve into why I have developed in such a way – I just want to change.
And so I am. Gradually, and not in all areas, but I am beginning to enjoy things just for the enjoyment of them, without attaching strings. Progress. I think it all started when I took on more than I could juggle, mentally, and balls began to drop. When the initial fear and disappointment dissipated, I felt tremendous relief, and then I began to simply throw them. It was hard, in moments of calm, as guilt about letting someone down tried to creep in, but the truth is that I was so overwhelmed that for the first time, the need to simplify my life was greater than any reasoning that supported continued juggling. But what to put on the now nearly empty proverbial plate? That was the question – and it remains not fully answered.
Homeschooling one child was the only thing I was still doing. And homeschooling a middle-school aged child is not exactly time-absorbing. She worked independently for the most part, which is the goal by that age. I was able to keep the house clean and the laundry done, read for pleasure, and piddle with other interests. And I began to feel restless. I thought volunteer interests could be the answer, but when my daughter became less interested in Girl Scouts than I, we had a problem. Another problem was that what I really wanted was to be a girl scout myself, not do all the planning and paperwork. I taught a small group at children’s church – but that was not the answer, either. Studying the lesson took longer than the short time I got with the kids – and my nature just put me in the position to take other leaders’ kids into my fold whenever one didn’t show up…which, unfortunately was often. It’s not that I minded the extra kids, but the idea of these small groups was to foster close relationships -which was near impossible when the group so often changed.
Extra time on my hands allowed me to take better care of myself physically, spiritually and mentally. It was a good time, really, beneath the surface stress of not knowing what I would commit myself to. I lost weight, I enjoyed the pleasure of cooking healthy, consistent meals for my family, I had time to read (the only hobby I have ever not turned into a chore). I got interested in what it means to be healthy – no doubt because I felt better physically than I had in years. This found me trying to figure out what exactly I needed to do to control my blood pressure without the meds that make me tired. And when my potassium plummeted a few times, what other than a potassium supplement could be done. And so nutrition naturally became a real interest.
What did I do with the revelation that I was really interested in something beyond the interest that others around me had? I enrolled in school full-time to become a Registered Dietician. I had found my post-mommy calling. <smiling at myself and shaking head> Once again, I made an interest into work. Will I ever learn?
Reflections 